Prayers

Sometimes,

I'd close my eyes, put my hands together

and pray to GOD, to the Devil, to the Spirit,

to whatever You are...

Please take away my soul

Please shorten my life

Please

Fuck 2007

Now that it's the year 2007, I couldn't help to wonder what is in stored for me, whether it's good or bad, whether I'll change for the better or worse. These days I'm experiencing some "holiday blues". I don't know how to call it but it's the same old thing that's been plagueing my mind. The forlornness... deep in my heart, I still crave for a boyfriend to share my joys and sorrow. Is it normal for me to keep desiring something I cannot get? Yeah, I condemn myself. I feel that I can't get a boyfriend in a long long time, possibly never! But why is it that I still long for that? This mild depression has been continued for too long.

"I'm alone and I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life" "I'm ugly and nonone wants me" I wish I'd have a shorter life" " I wish I can die" " LET ME DIE!"Now that I'm having holidays it gets more serious as I had no studies to take those deprecating thoughts out of my mind. And so I turned to gaming, playing Final FantasyXII night and day, until I can actually finish it within 2 weeks right before the dawn of the new year. It's not a meaningful thing to do, but it helped a bit. It's escapism. I hope my coming exams will effectively help me take the bucket loads of depression off my mind.

Until then, I'm blogging here to release some steam, secretly, as I felt somewhat embarassed to admit this to those who knows me personally. I won't commit suicide. I just won't. But I do want my life to end sooner.

FRQ

It's an aura. In the beginning, everything's okay. There's two-way communication, interation. One is being courteous to another... than slowly... it meant nothing anymore. Perhaps it's my personality. Perhaps I'm plain boring. Perhaps I'm downright annoying, or because of everything's that's wrong about me. Noone talks to me.

I'm an outcast. I feel strange when I'm not lonely. I feel depressed when I am.

I'm cursed.

It happens EVERYTIME. Umm... there's exception of course but it's complicated.

Low chance of getting a bf with my personality. My body? Heck, worse. Working on it now though... I wanna be hot! Even though I can't be hot thanks to my genetics but I'm not gonna back out. Sigh, still.... the aura. I can't get rid of the aura. Or maybe I created the aura myself. I subconsciously repel people.

Oh well, gotta deal with it everyday anyway. So, I'll follow my sister's great advice. The way she said it, it's like she knows my pain. It's like she's been through the pain too.

Don't think too much

And go to sleep zzZZZ

What Is Wrong With Me?

I think I'm having a mild depression nowadays. Everyday I keep thinking about the same sad thing. About why I am alone? Why do I have this FRQ (Friends Repellent Quality)? I just need to rant to the world with this blog (like therapy), and you don't have to read it.